// Fake Friendships: Red Vs Blue//

In case you didn’t read my last post, I talked about people’s perceptions of others and basically judging people before really getting to know them. You see, the problem with me is that on top of not really caring what people think about me, I find it really hard to let people in. So maybe that affects my relationships.

When I would talk to some of my not so close friends I found that  they still had these perceptions of me that were so off from the person that I really am. I found myself thinking (I wonder where he/she got that from) but I realized I really had no one else to blame but myself.

Sometimes, I forget, some friendships do actually take a lot of effort to maintain. What makes you a friend? There are so many things I could say, but for me all I ask for and really what I expect is loyalty and honesty before everything that comes with “friendship”. I feel like it’s better to maintain the friendships I already have with people and I don’t particularly like making new friends. Even though it’s always great when you discover you have a friendship with someone you never imagined.

The word “friend” is so broad nowadays you can’t help but label almost everyone a “friend”. “Oh that’s my friend, we went to the same high school together”, “That’s my friend we’re in the same class”. We say things like this, not because they are actually our friends but just to be polite. Just the way, every friend of your parents is your Aunt or your Uncle.

Nowadays though, I really have a hard time saying things like this. In fact, I don’t .I guess it was easier when you were younger and no one really paid attention to you, but as I grow up I realize that you really really have to be more frank and direct with people.

If someone asks me, if someone is my friend and they aren’t I will say no. That’s easy, fine, but I am not just talking about asking me about random people. I’m talking about people that you see me with, people that I talk to on social networks or people that I went to school with. I feel that people need to start being more honest with themselves about where they stand with people. You can’t go around saying “Oh that’s my friend” and that same person gets with your boyfriend. A friend wouldn’t do that to you.

So a while back I decided to kind of roughly put my friends in genres. I felt it was necessary to separate them and it’s worked for me. It’s easier when you ask yourself a few things about them. E.g:

•          Fine, we make plans together and we like the same things and when we hang out it’s always great. But, do you know my mother and father? Have my parents met you? No.
•      We talk almost every day about the weather, current affairs and we share an occasional joke, we’re friends on BBM/ Facebook. Do I confide in you? No.
•          You always tell me about your break-ups and your relationship problems. I give you some advice here and there. Do you know if I’m single or who I am dating? No.
•          You know all my siblings names and where I live. Have you met them? No. Have you been to my house? No.
•          You’re always at my birthday parties/dinners, but if I asked right now when my birthday was, would you know? No.

You see that gives a good idea of where you stand with people and where you place them in your life. For instance, you could divide your friends in 5 groups. Besties, Close Friends, Drinking buddies, School Friends and Social Networks. That way when one of your “drinking buddies” lets you down or just doesn’t act like a friend, you won’t be so surprised. Don’t think that just because you talk to someone on a social network that they are your friend, have you even met them?

So because, I do this with the people in my life really don’t mind if they do the same with me. So that when something happens they as well shouldn’t be surprised. None of “I thought she was my friend, I can’t believe she did that” No, please. Stay in your lane.

A while ago I had put someone in their place, if you can call it that and it wasn’t pretty. Yes, that’s how serious I take friendships. I used be friends with this girl, let’s just call her Red. You see, back then I never had a system. If we drank together, we were friends etc, so in actual fact she was a drinking buddy so she automatically fell into that genre.

Things started to make more sense though, because I realized I actually used to make a lot of excuses for her. The type things that make you think (hmm friends don’t do this to each other). We still remained cool; we were friends on these social networks and friends on BBM etc.

So Red happened to fall out with one of my Besties, lets call her Blue. So you know how it goes, they remove each other on BBM. Words are exchanged etc. You know how we girls can get sometimes. Some of us aren’t really about that drama but no matter what it always seems to find us.

 Red writes a status saying something about Blue so I told Blue. Story ends.

Blue and I meet Red at the club one day and we’ve had a few drinks obviously. But then Red decides to approach us and leans in to hug me and I don’t hug her back. Blue keeps walking and Red has this puzzled look on her face.  So I keep walking. Later on that night Red comes to me and says “Did you tell Blue about what I wrote on my status” I said yes. “Why did you tell her?” I said why not? So at this point she obviously isn’t getting the answers she was looking for and she calls me “two-faced”. So I calmly ask her “Are you my friend?” she says no. I ask, “Is Blue my friend?” She keeps quiet. Then I ask her “You aren’t my friend and Blue is, so how exactly am I two-faced?” The conversation ended there.

The way I see it, it says a lot about her and the type of friend she is. She knew very well that Blue and I were tight. So why was she so surprised that I told her? What that tells me is that when one of her friends is being slandered by one of her other, other friends.  Then what, she’s just going to keep quiet about it? You see now the characteristics of a drinking buddy and not a “friend”?

// Whispers…//

Sometimes I feel like I’m hard on people so I try tone it down a bit in attempt to maybe, soften the mood or perhaps just please people a little. We all know the feeling of being a party-pooper and it’s not exactly cool especially when it could have been avoided. As a result I let people believe their perceptions of me. Even when I feel that they’re wrong, I let it slide because I feel it’s takes way too much energy to try and prove myself to people that don’t really matter to me. We’re not family, we’re not friends, you aren’t my boyfriend, my priest or employer so I’m not losing sleep worrying about what you think of me.

For instance, you get those people who you only meet in the club. You know each other’s names, who their friends are and occasionally maybe u will meet each other at one or two house parties. They might even be friends of your friend’s heck you might’ve even gone to the same high school. So obviously you say the occasional “Hi how are you doing?” or “What’s good?” etc. I really have nothing wrong with that. But then the get the ones that think they know you like that.

I’ve had people say to me “Damn, you’re always out” and I’ll say “Yeah you know how it is” even when I know I haven’t been out in 2 months. Or, you get people that say “You’re always drinking” in my mind I am like (umm okay, I haven’t drank in 2 weeks), but still I’ll say something like “You know I looove my drink” and smile.  I get people that say “Lucky you, I bet you just sit home and watch tv all day, some of us have to work tomorrow”. Umm not really I have lectures everyday from 8 till 3, for your information. I could easily say that, but I really don’t bother. Why? Well these people don’t matter to me. I don’t see any point in trying to prove myself to them.  It takes waay too much energy.

Gathered from the comments and statements, some people think I’m an alcoholic, a party animal, and I don’t do anything with my life apart from go and out and drink. Okay, this is my point. If I am not any of those things I really have nothing to worry about. Why talk about it you ask? Well because it’s been on my mind for a long time and I have also judged people negatively before getting to know them and have been really surprised to find out that they actually weren’t who I “thought” they were.

Recently I came to find out that someone I know from these social circles we belong to just completed their MBA. My jaw literally dropped. If you knew him you would understand. I mean I had to congratulate him myself. He is always drinking, always out and I mean “always” and he really just isn’t the kind person you would think cared about getting an education. I even said this to him. My point is you never really know what someone is doing with their life. Don’t think that because you meet people in the club or you see them here and there, you know what they’re about. We are all on different journeys, taking different paths. Concentrate on yours and what you want to achieve in life and refrain from speculating about others. If you are really interested to know, why not just ask them?